Both of these routes to parenthood have something important in common. They both involve the presence of biological parents who are not me or a partner of mine. I know some people don't see it this way, but I do look at the other people involved in the child's creation as parents, whether we call them a "birth parent" or a "first parent" or a "donor" or a "surrogate" or something else. In the case of a donor, they've given their gametes to help create the child. In the case of a surrogate, they've spent nine months being pregnant plus giving birth to the child. In the case of adoption, the first parents created a child, the first mother spent nine months pregnant with the child, and then she gave birth to the child. In the case of adoption later in life, the first parent(s) may have also raised the child for years before the adoptive parent(s) even met them.
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| Tree with arms/hands trunk and multicolored handprint leaves that says "It takes a village." |
My future kids will have other parents, and I'm totally ok with that. It doesn't feel threatening to me. Kids aren't property. I won't own my kids. The presence of other parents won't diminish my presence in my kids' lives. So what do I worry about in terms of other parents?
Donor/Surrogate
In the case of donor/surrogate baby-having I worry a bit about how to navigate the financial realities of the situation so that the donor and surrogate don't feel burdened for helping me and I don't feel like I'm buying a baby. I know I'd want to pay for all legal fees, medical expenses (including things like vitamins, acupuncture, massage etc), pregnancy clothing, time off work, etc. I'd also want to give them some sort of thank you gift - ideally a vacation if I had the money to pay for that since having a kid is hard work and they'll need time to recover. I'm sure it will work out fine if I go this route but the finances are such a weird thing to navigate.
Basically, the main thing is that I'd want a donor and a surrogate who were doing it because they either care about me specifically or because they want to help other people become parents. Not because they're trying to make money. I want them to be people I click with, who want to keep in touch and get to know the kid. I'm envisioning them being like an aunt or close family friend. We'd visit sometimes, they'd come to the kid's birthday parties and graduation, we'd send each other holiday cards, be friends on Facebook, etc.
So I think my big worries here are money - how to afford it and how to make sure it's fair - and finding people who I click with and who are willing to have a relationship with the kid later.
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| Cartoon of lab technician performing IVF and saying "Mr. Sperm - meet Ms. Egg..." |
Private Infant Adoption
If I did private infant adoption specifically, I'd worry about navigating the finances such that the first parents were able to make whatever choice feels best for them without coercion and so that I won't feel like I'm buying a baby. I'd worry about picking an agency that treats first parents well, has good neutral counseling for them, and has other supports for them such as housing assistance in case they need that. I'd want to find an agency that did flat-rate pricing where every prospective adoptive parent puts the same amount into a pool that the agency then uses for all of the first parents. That way, first parents with more needs or higher risk pregnancies get the assistance they need and they aren't passed up for adoption matches because their pregnancies and supports cost more (because the funds can be balanced by first parents who have less monetary needs).
I also want to avoid agencies that assigning a monetary value to specific demographics of children. There are still some agencies that charge less for black children, charge more for girls, charge less for children with special needs, and other similar pricing differences. I find this practice abhorrent. Children are not things to be bought and no child is worth less than another child - they are ALL priceless human beings. We should be paying whatever it takes to support the first parents from pregnancy through parenting or placement and that monetary amount should be the same no matter the gender, race, or ability of the child.
So basically my private infant adoption worry is about the financial ethics of private infant adoption in general and about finding an agency that matches my ethics.
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| Dinosaur meme with caption "Wasn't Jesus Adopted? ADOPTED?" |
For adoption in general my biggest worry has to do with how well I'll get along with my kid's other parents. I'm only interested in open adoption, because I think it's better for the child and that's who matters most in this situation. Also because my brother's adoption was open and I can't imagine our lives without his first family being a part of our family. I totally fail to understand the fear so many prospective adoptive parents have about first parents. Anyway, this decision means I'll have to work maintain a good relationship with the kid's other parents for the rest of our lives. That's a daunting commitment to make. I feel up for it, but I'm nervous about it because I won't know what they're like until I meet them and it could be easy or difficult to stay in touch with them depending on how well we get along. Ideally, I'd love for us to have a good enough relationship for monthly visits, having them at birthdays and important life events, sending each other holiday cards, being Facebook friends etc. We don't have to be buddies, but a cordial relationship where our kid knows all of their parents would be ideal. I have a friend whose daughter was adopted by a gay couple and they all came to her wedding so her daughter could be the flower girl. I'd love for a first parent/adoptive parent relationship as good as theirs.
And lastly, on a silly adoption note, I also have a tiny bit of worry about the first parents' taste in names. I've always thought it was bizarre to change your kid's name when you adopt them. They already have a name. Why would you take away that one big thing they got to keep from their first family? I intend to just tack my last name onto whatever name the first parents already given their kid. Which is why I'm praying for first parents with good taste in names. Please nothing crazy, unpronounceable, boring, or starting with a "J" since my last name starts with a J. Thanks.
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| Small cactus holding hands with two large blue flowers and saying "I'm adopted!" |
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